A woman is battered every 15 seconds somewhere in America. And every day in this country, 4 women are murdered by a spouse or intimate partner. Both victims and abusers come from all racial, religious, socioeconomic, and ethnic groups. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, help is available. We have provided some basic information and links below. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline toll free at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They can assist you with finding resources in your area. Or, if you need further assistance, please e-mail me and I will do my best to provide you with the information and resources you need to keep yourself and your children safe.

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic Violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. It happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another. Assault, battering and domestic violence are crimes.

Abuse of family members can take many forms. Battering may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children, threats, using male privilege, intimidation, isolation, and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family. Women are most commonly the victims of violence. Elder and child abuse are also prevalent. Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of the following categories:

Physical Battering - The abuser’s physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks.

Sexual Abuse - Physical attack by the abuser is often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual violence wherein the woman is forced to have sexual intercourse with her abuser or take part in unwanted sexual activity.

Psychological Battering -The abuser’s psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property.

Battering escalates. It often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as punching a fist through a wall), and/or damage to objects or pets. It may escalate to restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering may include punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, throwing. Finally, it may become life-threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons.

The Cycle of Violence

The cycle of violence is a recurring behavioral pattern where the offender swings between affectionate, remorseful calm, and periods of tense demands culminating in violence. The more times the cycle is completed, the less time it takes to complete. Furthermore, as the cycle is repeated, the violence usually increases in frequency and severity.

Phase One: Tension Building - During this phase, tension mounts in the relationship. Battered women report that during this phase, they notice their partners becoming increasingly irritable, frustrated, and unable to cope with the everyday stresses. The batterer may lash out at the victim during this time but generally he will quickly stop himself and become contrite.

During Phase One, the battered woman will attempt to appease the batterer by becoming compliant, nurturing, or staying out of his way. She assumes the responsibility for controlling his anger. She must deny the inevitability of the beating, as well as her terror. She does this by denying that the incidents get progressively worse, and by believing that she has some control of his behavior. She must also continue to deny her anger, which grows with each incident.

The batterer is aware at some level that his behavior is inappropriate and he begins to fear that she will leave him. His fears are reinforced by her coping strategy of withdrawing and avoiding him. He becomes increasingly oppressive, jealous, and possessive of her in an attempt to prevent her from leaving him.

Some women report reaching a point where they are unable to tolerate the growing tension. These women may at times trigger the beating to at least have some sense of control over the inevitable. Their reward is not the beating, but the love and attention of their contrite partners during Phase Three, and relief that Phase One has ended.

Phase Two: The Battering Incident - The batterer’s intent at first is to teach the victim a lesson, not to inflict injury. In the process, he loses control of his rage. Battering victims often report that they know that fighting back at this point only invites more violence, although some use this time to ventilate some of their own anger.

Only the batterer’s intent can end Phase Two; it is dangerous for helpers to intervene during the battering. Some women are able to estimate approximately when the incident will begin, and leave the home until it is safe to return. It is important for the victim to have a place to hide during this phase. Once the incident is over, the victim often will deny the seriousness of her injuries, deny her own terror, as well as deny the reality that this could happen again.

Phase Three: The Honeymoon Phase - This phase is characterized by extremely kind and loving behavior on the part of the batterer. He is more afraid than ever that she will leave, and so becomes a charming, model mate. The partners collude in denying the problem; he is very contrite and convinces his partner and himself that he will change.

The victim desperately wants to believe that her suffering is over. She convinces herself that the “good” side of this dual personality is the “true” personality of the man she loves. Somehow, the “bad” side will disappear. Her partner’s loving behavior during this phase is her reinforcement for remaining in the relationship. She is most likely to seek help now, but it is also the most difficult time for her to leave. She magically believes that if the first two phase are somehow removed, Phase Three will remain. Thus she does not see the respite as a temporary part of the violence.

Battered women are paralyzed in a psychological sense. Despite their attempts to feel in control of their partner’s behavior, they have learned that what they do has no bearing on what happens to them. They feel unable to control the abuse and helpless to leave.

Unless something changes to interrupt the cycle of violence, battering gets worse.

Predictors of Domestic Violence

The following signs often occur before actual abuse and may serve as clues to potential abuse:

Did he grow up in a violent family? People who grow up in families where they have been abused as children, or where one parent beats the other, have grown up learning that violence is normal behavior.

Does he tend to use force or violence to "solve" his problems? A young man who has a criminal record for violence, who gets into fights, or who likes to act tough is likely to act the same way with his wife and children. Does he have a quick temper? Does he over-react to little problems and frustration? Is he cruel to animals? Does he punch walls or throw things when he’s upset? Any of these behaviors may be a sign of a person who will work out bad feelings with violence.

Does he abuse alcohol or other drugs? There is a strong link between violence and problems with drugs and alcohol. Be alert to his possible drinking/drug problems, particularly if he refuses to admit that he has a problem, or refuses to get help. Do not think that you can change him.

Does he have strong traditional ideas about what a man should be and what a woman should be? Does he think a woman should stay at home, take care of her husband, and follow his wishes and orders?

Is he jealous of your other relationships—not just with other men that you may know—but also with your women friends and your family? Does he keep tabs on you?6. Does he want to know where you are at all times? Does he want you with him all of the time?

Does he have access to guns, knives, or other lethal instruments? Does he talk of using them against people, or threaten to use them to get even?

Does he expect you to follow his orders or advice? Does he become angry if you do not fulfill his wishes or if you cannot anticipate what he wants?

Does he go through extreme highs and lows, almost as though he is two different people? Is he extremely kind one time, and extremely cruel at another time?

When he gets angry, do you fear him? Do you find that not making him angry has become a major part of your life? Do you do what he wants you to do, rather than what you want to do?

Does he treat you roughly? Does he physically force you to do what you do not want to do?

Links

National Coalition Against DV - Great Site! Everything you need

Family Violence Prevention Fund - Another national DV Organization

National Center for Victims of Crime - Lots of resources

Office for the Prevention of DV - Help and information for victims

American Bar Association - Lawyer referrals and information

AABL - Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual DV issues and assistance

Broken Spirits - An online support group for victims of abuse

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